I have been saying this prayer quite often recently:
“God, please take away this numbness to the gospel.”
Going through cancer has had me turn inward numerous times. So much was going on that emotionally, I checked out. I just went with the flow. Sure, I’ve had a lot of time to think and be alone. However, most of those times were spent sleeping or doing something to get my mind off of the pain. There are a number of other factors involved that caused me to build walls. Some of them from cancer and some from simply the past things in my life that happened.
I know that the gospel is not solely based on emotion. Emotions can be misleading. But I’ve grown apathetic and not really excited about it. Maybe some of it also has to do with growing up in the church and hearing it a lot. I think what I was looking for is that spark to get me going again, that purpose that whatever I did, it was for the glory of Christ.
I remember when I first became a believer, anything about God would leave me in awe. Reading the Bible was really cool because it was like I was reading it for the very first time ever and the light was going on for certain passages. Now, I feel like I could care less. I have been so so tired physically that it seemed to consume my entire being. I’ve just been so dang TIRED.
But this past weekend has helped me realize that the Cross still stands for the most important act in human history. Jesus, God in the flesh, humbled himself to become a man and live a perfect life. Not for his sake but for ours. He was innocent and yet he suffered. He died a criminal’s death for me. I deserve that punishment, the wrath of God. But Jesus took the beating himself. As much as the physical was horrendous, I cannot imagine how deep the spiritual side of things went.
Thankfully, that is not the end of the story. Three days later, some women heard these words: “Why do you seek the living among the dead? He is not here, but has risen.”
Not only has he taken the wrath of God upon himself, Jesus conquered the grave. Thank you, Lord, that will always be the truth.